Tuesday, November 15, 2005

How many shopping days 'til Christmas?

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women.
Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can really never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99- cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."

Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12: Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label-maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes them back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope.

5 comments:

  1. Cheryl,
    You crack me up!! I love your Christmas lists for the hubbies as I'm married to a Tim Allen "Tool Time" man myself.
    Charlene

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  2. This is a funny post, Cheryl. LOL! I wish I could get my fiance a barbeque. We had to give ours away when we moved and now we have no place to put one. But, he is an excellent cook and I miss his burgers and steaks on the grill.

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  3. I loved the list...especially #13. We got my dad a chainsaw one year and one day I woke up and half the trees in our yard (including my favorite Magnolia tree) were missing branches thanks to my dad's handiwork.

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  4. You are a female Jeff Foxworthy! #4 is true!When my 6' tall 18 yr old was sick, he borrowed my deep turq fluffy robe to keep warm since he didn't have one. #13 My 81-yr-old Dad visited at Xmas & spent 2 afternoons cutting a deadfall tree with the chainsaw my father-in-law left us, 2 sons trucked in the wood & we enjoyed the fireplace for a week!

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  5. #3 didn't work. Bought 2 first aid kits for sons (age 18 & 23), including thin thermal blanket for frigid NE winter (now that we got 2 days of one) & a flashlight, a gift my practical Dad (81) would buy. Still sitting on the couch; maybe due to rule#11 men love danger. Only older one was a Boy Scout.

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