Passive words suck energy from your writing!
Shifting from passive to active voice saves at least two words per sentence.
‘Is’ and the rest of the ‘to be’ family are passive—am, are, was, were, will
be, have, has, had, been, will have been, be, suddenly, and caused. Any verbal
construction employing ‘is’ or ‘was’ can weaken a sentence.
Caused,
as, and when usually indicate a motivation/reaction unit out of whack.
The subject of the sentence MUST ACT, rather than being ACTED UPON. The knife was thrown by John is passive. John threw the knife is active
Examples:
*She
was carrying the child in her arms.
She
carried the child.
*There
was a tree growing in the atrium.
A
tree grew in the atrium.
*She
had a happy look on her face.
She
looked happy. Better yet: Sarah smiled.
*She
will be tried in court today.
Her
trial begins today
Watch for these words:
To be is always passive. (Occasionally, you will use ‘to
be’ in dialogue.) “You just have to be a smart aleck, don’t you?”
*Darla wanted to be a dancer.
Darla
never wavered from her goal. Someday she would dance on stage.
Would be: sometimes ‘would be’ is the only way to say what
will happen.
*The
day would be warm and clear
*The
day promised to be warm.
The
early sun promised a warm day.
To
*She
started to feel sick.
Her
stomach turned.
*Sally
turned to knead the dough.
Sally
worked the dough into a soft ball.
To is appropriate when approaching the act: plowed his
fingers through his hair to knead the back of his neck—lifted the cup to
drink—paused to read.
Of
*Members
of the group elected officers.
Group
members elected officers.
*Members
of the party could not be reached for comment.
No
members could be reached for comment.
There; A ‘to be’ verb usually follows ‘there’. There
was, there is, there has been.
*There
is something strange here.
Something
strange lurks here.
That, made, felt (you will use an
occasional felt) with, began or began to, allowed, let, found, as, when,
while, then, was and were are usually passive.
Began
*He
began shooting his rifle.
He
drew and fired in a single swift motion.
*She
began brushing her hair.
She
pulled the brush through her hair.
*She
knelt and began trying to tug weeds.
She
knelt and tugged at the stubborn weeds.
If
you want an incomplete action—like: she knelt and began trying to tug
weeds—because the action is interrupted or meets resistance, say so! Active
verb plus resistance:
Marjorie knelt and tugged at the stubborn weeds. A shadow fell across her hands. Turning, she recognized the man looming over her.
Note,
too, how each sentence begins differently, Instead of:
She
knelt. Her hands began to tug the weeds.
Suddenly, she sensed someone above her. She looked up.
Suddenly, she sensed someone above her. She looked up.
By the way, body parts performing functions
without the person are passive : Her hands began to tug the weeds.
*A
hand trailed up her arm.
*A
finger traced her lips.
Rather:
He
rubbed a calloused palm the length of her arm.
With
one finger, he traced her lips.
If your character can’t see any other part of the
person, or if you desire a surprise, you can get away with ‘body parts’.
A hand, warm and comforting, squeezed her shoulder.
She
turned to meet Derik’s emerald gaze.
Looked is passive besides being a weak verb.
*The
dress she was wearing looked pretty.
She
wore a pretty dress.
Better
yet. let’s assume she’s wearing the dress and not carrying it:
Her
dress was the color of a spring sky on a frosty morning.
Possession is another passive
problem area.
*The
house that belongs to Jack
Jack’s
house
*the
edge of the bed
the
bed’s edge
Additional help for vivid writing:
Show not tell
Adverbs
add spice. Use sparingly. Many times adverbs are a sign of ‘lazy writing’. They
tell rather than show.
*”Get
out!” Mary said, angrily.
“Get
out!” Mary grabbed the vase and hurled it at his retreating back.
*”I
don’t want you to go,” Timmy said, sadly.
“Don’t
go.” Enormous tears rolled down Timmy’s freckled cheeks.
Punch up the verbs!
Ran
quickly—raced, shot, sprinted
Sat
abruptly—plopped, fell
Cried
openly—sobbed
Walked
around carefully—skirted, hedged
Said
angrily—screamed, yelled, screeched—better yet, show it! Throw something or hit
the table.
Again, show rather than tell
*John
is tall
John
ducked beneath the six-foot awning.
Jude Devereaux says, “Rather than describing my
characters, I try to come up with action to show what they’re like.
Use similes and metaphors
Use specific nouns
The
rose rather than the flower. The burley lumberjack rather than a man.
Use action verbs.
Slumped
rather than sat. Bolted or crawled rather than went. Gazed, stared or shot a
venomous glare, rather than looked.
Qualifiers dilute a sentence. They are: just, very, almost,
even, somewhat, really, slightly, hardly, barely, nearly, quite, rather. Delete
altogether or change the word qualified to a stronger or more explicit word.
*George
was slightly angry.
George
was angry (‘was’ is passive)
Miffed,
George ignored the gibe.
*Nancy
was very tired.
Exhausted,
Nancy suppressed a yawn.
Run on sentences
Vary
length and construction, and don’t try to say too much because if you do you
will probably end up using some passive words to string the clauses together,
and when that happens your sentence is ineffective, believe it or not, and you
wouldn’t want that to happen because you end up burying the action, and that
gets confusing.
It is weak and ineffective. Replace ‘it’ whenever
possible. Reconstructed, your sentences will be stronger.
*Wanda
picked up the steaming kettle and carried it to the table.
Wanda
carried the steaming kettle to the table.
*She
took the tube of lipstick from her purse and applied it to her lips.
She
applied the lipstick she always carried in her purse.
A note about purple prose:
Effective
and moving prose must be used in the right place, consciously, sparingly and
well. In his section on pacing, Swain suggests longer sentences for sequels,
shorter sentences for scenes and action. Save ‘purple prose’ for moments that
are not only emotional, but thematically significant. A character undergoing a
change, a life changes forever, end of chapter, end of section or scene (not
end of book.)
Not
during a climactic scene (the house is on fire and your heroine admires the
sunset). Not every time you character feels something or when two men are
talking.
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