My own four children are all
grown now, though my youngest daughter and two children live with us. There
have been only tiny windows in my life when I’ve had no children to care for. I
even took in my first grandchild while my daughter worked, and I was still
raising two children at home, and working 40 plus hours a week evenings at my
real job.
But at the time I was
unpublished, I was determined not to work at that job for the rest of my life. I
became determined to make enough money writing to support my family. I wrote
every available minute. When I was writing my (first published) book Rain
Shadow, I was working crazy hours. Whenever I wasn’t at work, I was in front of
my computer. My children took turns fixing supper, and they quickly learned to
leave me alone while I was working. My husband, who’d never turned on the
washer in his life, learned to do laundry. I wasn’t always happy with the
results, but he did it and I appreciated it. For nearly a year, I barely attended
any family gatherings.
My family was a big help,
but I know plenty of single moms who have set priorities and placed writing
near the top, too. It can be done. We have good examples and bad examples all
around us, and we should learn from them. We’ve all learned that successful
people set goals, write them down, refer to them regularly, and re-evaluate
when necessary. Writers need attainable short-term and long-term goals. Write
long terms goals on separate sheets of paper and list underneath each, the
steps it will take to reach it. Then take those steps.
Looking at my goals to quit
my job and make enough money to support my family, I considered the steps it
would take to get there. Obviously, I would have to sell books. And to do that
I would have to write them. And to do that I would have to give up a lot of
other things. A lot. So I missed my friends, but my writer associates became my
friends and still are. I missed having a clean house, but most of my friends
who now come over are other writers, and they’re all in the same boat. The
sacrifices paid off in the long run.
You can tell how serious a writer
is by how selfish they become with their time. Let me put it bluntly: If you
still have a life, you’re probably not a serious writer—you have a hobby that
may or may not pay off.
There was a time between all
those early rejections and that first sale that I felt pretty low. I clearly
remember the overwhelming frustration. I remember saying to my husband, but
more to myself: “Why can’t I be satisfied to do nice little needlepoint crafts
like all the *normal* women I know?” This was a burning question in my heart. Why
didn’t the same things that made every other woman in the country content, make
me content? I wondered over and over again if I was doing the right thing. Was
this what I should be devoting all my time and energy to when I had no
guarantee of a payoff?
There were times when I
didn’t feel as though I fit in anywhere anymore. At a gathering someone would
ask me what I’d been doing or how the writing was going, and when I started to
tell them their eyes glazed over. Next thing I knew they’d changed the subject
back to their dog or their kids. I felt like I could hardly talk to people
anymore.
We can’t stop ourselves from
sharing the most exciting thing happening in our life . . . but later, the
admission comes back to haunt us: “Sold that book yet?” “When can I buy that
book of yours?” “Got an interview on Letterman yet?” And then you wish you’d never told anyone.
At same time that thoughts
of throwing in the towel crept into my head, I knew in my heart I would never
be happy with myself if I didn’t give this thing every last ounce of energy I
had. I couldn’t quit. And what if I had? What if I’d given up after the first seven
rejections? Those were only rejections for ONE BOOK. I’d been rejected
regularly on other projects for years before that. But what if I’d given up? What if I’d decided I didn’t
have the stamina it took to absorb all that rejection and still feel like a
writer? What if I hadn’t been willing to listen to the advice of writers and
editors more experienced than I?
Well, then I’d never have
known that all that rejection was only the beginning, that from there on, I’d
be ranked and graded and critiqued by reviewers and contest judges and readers.
That editors would still find fault with my work, and I could either improve it
or be far less likely to sell the next time. When I turned in my first
contemporary, my editor told me she cried at all the right parts. She also told
me she hated the ending. The whole last chapter.
I asked what she’d like to
see happen, rewrote it and faxed it to her the same day. See, way back then,
realizing that words are only words, that they’re not pure genius engraved in
stone, and that my head is full of billions more words, was a well-learned
lesson. You just have to keep trying. And
you’ve got to be positive.
Surround yourself with
positive people. You know how good it feels being with someone who’s really up
and positive? You can feel good being the positive one, too. I use visual
affirmations in the form of book covers, photographs, best seller lists, etc.. Combine
your self-talk with your faith. Take workshops on goal-setting or how to handle
rejection.
Consciously listen to
yourself and the thoughts that come out of your mouth. “I’ll never learn all
this.” “I don’t have what it takes to juggle a job, kids, a house, a husband,
and write, too.” “I’m too tired to get up early and write five pages.” “I’ll
never sell this because I met that editor and she didn’t like me.” “I’m brain
dead today.” Those are self-defeating attitudes and words.
Oh, I did my share of
whining and crying and feeling sorry for myself. But once I really heard myself, I changed that for good. When
I was working those horrible early morning hours and getting the kids off to
school and handling all that life as a mom entails, I can remember dragging out
of bed first thing in the morning. It was still dark, and I’d barely slept
enough hours to combat exhaustion. My feet still hurt from being on them all
day the day before, and as they’d touch the floor, the first words that came to
mind were, “This job is killing me.”
Once I really heard my own
thinking, and realized what that negativity was doing to me, I was able to change
it. The situation didn’t change overnight. But instead of thinking “This job is
killing me” when I got out of bed, I would say OUT LOUD, “This day gets me one
day closer to my goal. I can do it. I can make the best of it. I’m not going to
be doing this much longer.”
I changed my confession, and
with it I changed my thinking. Each time I sit down to my computer, I read
something inspirational to get started. And I tell myself, “I’m writing a RITA
winner.” Do I feel silly saying things like that out loud? Not at all. Too many
of them have come to pass.
Do I still have doubts? Every
time I get a particularly ugly line edit. Every time I get to the middle of my
current book. Every time I stretch my writing a step further. Every time I have
a proposal rejected. But every accomplishment is a confidence builder.
Deal with feelings. Take
thoughts and emotions under control. I heard somewhere that if a computer were
built to have the capacity of the human mind it would take the space of the Empire State
Building to house it. And
yet we use only 10% of our brains. We live in a society that believes we’re all
victims; nobody’s responsible for their actions or feelings or thoughts. Well,
I don’t know about you, but I’m responsible for me. I may not be able to change
my past or other people, but I can change how I feel and how I react to
situations. You can too.
There is no one rule or
schedule that works for every mom. Unfortunately you have to figure out this
stuff by trial and error. But I hope it’s reassuring to know there are other
women who understand what you’re dealing with as a busy wife, mother, writer--and
maybe even breadwinner. Many of us have been there and survived. You will too.
What positive thing can you
say about yourself and your writing dream right now?
